Good Morning and your watching Useless News. I'm your host Sweetie Tag(wh)ore. In today's stories, "Bangalore city moving back to the Dark Ages", "A man almost falls to his death after stepping into a pot hole" and "The Bucket Snatcher the notorious gang of thieves escape with three and a half buckets of water."
"Now our top story... City of Bangalore is moving to the Dark ages. The (No) Electricity board of Karnataka declared a state of emergency today due to the lack of power in the state. Our correspondent tried to contact the Chief of (Powerless)Engineers of the (No) Electricity Board to get his comments on the situation, but unfortunately due to the lack of power at the telephone exchange, we couldn't get his call connected. Not the one to give up hope, he decided to go the Chief of (Powerless)Engineers home. When he reached there he realises that the doorbell outside the gate to the Chiefs mansion also didn't work. He tried to scale the walls to reach the door, when he was almost emasculated by a bunch of dogs belonging to the Chief. Torn between getting the interview and/or loosing his family jewels our reporter decides to use his right side of the brain for change and aborts the mission. So close, yet so far.
Our reporter then returned to the (No) Electricity Board office. After hours of persuasion and bribing the peons, the office boys and the chai wallas our reporter got a chance to interview the Asst C.O.(P).E, only to see the he almost out of breath as if he had just run a marathon. Upon inquiry we got to know that the Asst. C.O.(P).E had walked 100 meters to reach office. Further digging into that story it emerged that the Asst C.O.(P).E was not able to recharge the battery of his electric car. After a long time of looking blankly and smiling uneasily at each other Asst C.O.(P).E decides to give the interview to get rid of reporter once and for all.
He gave an exclusive interview to Useless News. Although most of the interview is useless, it was learnt that the city has declared a state of emergency since it has indeed run short of power and are waiting to press the panic button. After investigating the reason for the wait, it emerged that the panic button itself did not have the power."
In our next story, a man from Pottypalya near Bangalore had a harrowing time of the day during the rush hour when he stepped into a ankle deep pot hole. We were not able to get hold the victim at the place of the incident, but after talking to some eye witnesses it emerged that he was on his way to he nearest Government Liquor Shop when this incident happened. In an extensive search conducted by our team in all the liquor shops in the area, we managed to trace the victim, this was what he had to say, "My mother caught me undressing my cousin's Barbie doll when I was eight. I explained that I was just drying her off coz she'd just been for a swim. I always got into trouble like that. Like the time Mrs Shetty punished me for staring at her chest. No one believed me when I said I was only admiring the intricate embroidery on her blouse." After much empathising and trying to make the victim give a proper answer to the question, our reporter decided to call it quits. Since we pay our reporter lots of peanuts to cover stories extensively and nothing came out of this one, he decided to use the free time to conduct a survey, "Which is more worse pot holes in roads or road in pot holes?" The results of this survey will be available next week.
In our last story of the day, the notorious Bucket Snatchers are back and this time they manage to get away with three and a half buckets of water. Police have been baffled by this twist in the case about the half bucket. Our correspondent tried to get a comment from the victim who's buckets were stolen but it was said that she is in a state of shock and unable to talk. The police also declined to comment on the situation. No further information was available at this time but we shall be giving you details as the story breaks.
And finally in weather, the meteorological dept has said that there are 99.274% chances of thunder storms being expected today, but otherwise its going to be a pleasant day.
So that's the end of the top stories, join us next time for more.
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