PRANAB MUKHERJEE UNPLUGGED

As the Presidential Elections draws closer and closer, everyone is speculating as to who will be the next to take over the coveted position in Indian politics. Yes, Indian, not American. Every reporter, pro and amateur, all over the country was trying to get an interview with the candidates, to get their views on the current political situation, the future of India and the billions living with in its borders. Needless to say, this was a very important job for the journalists and probably the candidates too. I think. And, since there was a huge beeline of journalists, it was decided that the job would be given to one, whose name came up in the lucky draw. So after much speculation and anticipation, the name was finally revealed to everyone in the country and abroad. ME!!! It was me.
I will be interviewing Pranab Mukherjee. YES!!! Excited to say the least. It was a privilege to given this honour.The interview was going to take place the next day at his office in the Parliament, I had to be prepared. So after spending a loooooong night, which included countless whisky pegs, tequilas and singing in front of everyone like I was the sexiest rock star on the planet, I woke up with a really bad hangover.
“Shit, my head. Never again.” I promised myself. “This is the last time I drink that much.” With my memory still very hazy at best of the previous night, I switched on my laptop from sleep mode, to see an incomplete document called “Questions". Then it hit me. I have the interview at the Parliament. After a brief bout of panic, hurling curses to no one in particular, hastily dressing up, then arguing with the guard for 45 minutes outside the Parliament gates, I reached the office of the future President of India probable. Once I was standing opposite him, I was disappointed, but not shocked, to discover that Mr Mukherjee was extremely tight lipped. No matter how many questioned I asked him, he would not say a word. I asked myself, is this what he called me here for? To stonewall me?
Finally, I was informed by his secretary that Mr Mukherjee was sleeping, and he would appreciate it if I would not try and talk to him during his afternoon siesta. And so I waited. I sat in front of him nursing my headache and hangover of the previous night.
A little while later, after hurling a few choice profanities and asking to left alone, when I came back to my senses, I recognised the voice of Mr Mukherjee yelling in my ears, demanding to know what I was doing sleeping in his office.I explained that I was here for the interview, which surprisingly, did not seem to calm him down. Grudgingly he accepted to give interview.
Heres how it came to pass.
Me: First up, let me say that it is a pleasure to meet you and do this interview for my esteemed colleagues, well wishers and my fans back home, and I hope you feel the same too.
Pranab Mukherjee (PM): …….
Me: Would you like to say a few words…..?
PM: No…
Me: How about two words??
PM: NO!!!
Me:Ok how about only one?
PM: (*deleted referenceto fornication*)
Me: Ok, I just want to say that my employers always shoot for a certain level of maturity when it comes to matters of national security, like interviews,so let us rise above the name-calling and references to coitus….
PM: WHAT!? National Security….?!?
Me: Never mind.
PM: TELL ME!!!..…
Me: I don’t wantto talk about it.
PM: Alright, get on with the bloody interview, I have work to do.
Me: May I have some water?
PM: (*staring silently*)
(*He calls out loudly across the room to get some water*)
Me: But there is a glass right besides you. (*displaying my anger at his laziness*)
PM: That’s my water.
(*A guard comes in, places the glass of water in front of me, and leaves*)
Me: (*drinks water*) May I have some more?
(Still staring at me with disgust, he calls out again and the same guard sets jug of water on the table in front of me. After I finish more than half of the jug, I was still groggy and pissed that I was woken up from my sleep.)
Me: Would you like to have some Coffee?
PM: (*deleted referenceto fornication*)
Me: Nevermind, I don't want it anymore.
PM: ……. do you even have any questions to ask??
Me: Sir, letus get above the constant bickering, especially yours, and talk….
PM: MY WHAT!!!!???
Me:….. something relevant and mature. Anyways, let’s get to some important topics at hand, shall we?
PM: ……. (*staring angrily*)
Me: Tell me, why you?
PM: What??..... Why me what…..
Me: Why you as President?
PM: (*sips some water and calms down at the first sensible question asked in the whole day*)
Me: Why should the people of India choose you as the President of India?
PM: Your question is quiet wrongly framed…
Me: What…. How?
PM: You mean to ask why I want to be Presidentand not why should the people choose me.
Me: What’ the difference….
PM: The people of India don’t choose me directly, they first choose an MP in their…..
Me: Yea yea…. Ok tell me why you want to be President then?
PM: … (*Stares blankly*)
Me: …. Go on.
PM: You see the reason is, I have dedicated my life to serving this country and its people. I am the best man for this job at the…… what are you doing?
Me: Listening to your story…..
PM: By sleeping??
Me: I…. I was ….. I didn’t want any visual distractions of your opulent office…. Yes. I just wanted the sound of your voice in my ears and nothing else.I’m not gay by the way. Enough about me, please continue.
PM: ......So like I was saying, I am the right person to do this job in the best possible way in this current economic and political climate. There are many …….
Me: B – O – R — I— N – G. With all due respect Sir, if the common man like me, had money,which is clear that we don’t, we still wouldn’t buy your bullshit.
PM: WHAT??
Me: Sir, there’ the problem right there.
PM: What the hell do you mean?
Me: All politicians everywhere give the same horse manure about I am this and blah blah blah…. The common man is tired of hearing this. The whole business of politics is become so….. so unfun. We the people have lost all faith and interest and what not else in the bargain.
PM: UNFUN??? Is that a word?
Me: Whatever…. But hear me out. What we need is some spice…. some zing. Something that will get the interest of people back into politics.
PM: So what are you say?
Me: Glad you asked…. I always these brilliantly wonderful ideas in my head. You never know when you might need them. You know.So, what is the national game of India?
PM: What?? What does the national game have to do with this? You’re just talking bullshit.
Me: Cricket….is it? Well, thats a wrong sport….
PM:HOCKEY!!!
Me: ..….it’s still the wrong sport. You know what should be our national sport. WRESTLING in...wait for it.....wait for it....... IN MUD.
PM: You’re joking right? What’ that got to do with politics
Me: Noooo, hear me out. I have the most brilliantest, wackiest, brainiest brain you can find. We need to develop a new method of choosing our leaders.We need to think outside the bloody freakin box.
PM: Are you suggesting politicians go wrestling?
Me: Yes and No. Lets face it nobody wants to see fat, ugly, bold or partially bold old men wrestling. No offence to you Sir. What I’m trying to say is we need women as leaders. Beautiful women.
PM: This is MADNESS!!!! Why am I even talking to you?
Me: Actually Sir, there is method to my madness. See people are tired and bored with old, bald, wrinkly men with no sense of dressing what so ever. Again no offense to you. We need beautiful women to lead us. This will ensure people will drool and follow their every word like love struck puppies. Women like Katrina, Deepika, etc. Strictly only the ones that are sexy.
PM: And your suggesting they wrestle?
Me: Now we are talking English? You see, the people get to choose their favorite lady, they feel best, who can represent them. After the peoples nomination process is complete, we just have to follow the IPL format. Each one gets four matches with each other, after that there is a knockout stage, later the quarterfinals, semifinals and at last the finals. The one that wins becomes the President, the runners up gets the PM’s position and so on and so forth. Its that simple. The TV ratings for this will skyrocket like never before, the format can go on for as long as 2 months, like the current IPL and you can bet your wrinkly arse the people will be glued to the television like flies or something. This will also have costsaving benefits.Ask me how. Go on, I won't mind.
PM: Shut up!!!
Me: Glad you asked…. You see….
PM: I DON’T WANT TO KNOW!!!!
Me: ….. here “Sexy” Politicians don’t have to go on campaigning. The people will choose them, thus ensuring huge money saving benefits. This will also help the people to have more money, which in-turn will help people spend more. These ladies can even endorse products. I can bet you all of Lalu Prasad’s cows that people will lap up the products left, right and center.This will increase production of our factories, there by bettering the economic situation. You cant go wrong on this one.
PM: Would you careto leave by yourself or would you like to be escorted?
Me: Wait, I have more, here’s what we do for….
PM: (*deleted referenceto fornication*) GUARDS!!!!
Me: …… foreign policy. We can send these “Sexy” Politicians to…..
PM: (*deleted referenceto fornication*)
Me:I haven’t finished you…. (*deleted reference to fornication*)
PM: (*deleted Hindi reference to fornication with relatives*)
Me: (*deleted references of Konkani profanities*)
PM: (*deleted references of Bengali profanities*)
Me: (*deleted references of Marathi profanities*)
(*Guards enter to escort me outside*)
Me:Thank you for your time, Sir that was a good interview.
PM: (*deleted reference to fornication*)
So that ended my brief interview with Mr Mukherjee. Needless to say, it did work out well. On to my next target.