PAR(TICKLE) TALES

Did you hear that?? That, Ahhhh…That my friend wasa collective sigh of relief from the physicists, teachers, professors the lot, from all over the world. Yesss…..So finally the Scientists have confirmed the existence of the “God Particle” during their recent experiment at CERN. This discovery was so astonishing, that, I presume they must’ve went “Eureka Eureka”, Archimedes style, before announcing to the world“ Ladies and Gentlemen, WE GOT THE BITCH!!!”
Thus the biggest and the longest manhunt in history has ended, with a whole new chapter that’s going to begin from here. So what, you might think, is the meaning of all this and how will it affect our everyday life? Well, I’m always here to provide answers my friends, so let me put it to you in this way, imagine your doing your work, something that requires high levels of that sweet concentration of yours. “What kind of work? ”Oh, I don’t know, maybe completing some project say or trying to make a nice fat juicy burger appear right on your table or maybe just wishing that the girl/s you justsaw in that magazine appear out of thin air, basically anything that requires lots of concentration. Yeah, so lets say your doing one of the said activities and your working really hard on it, for many many hours, your just about going to achieve it, just then, your nosey brother/ sister/ friend / neighbor interrupts and disturbs your concentration and everything goes “poofffff”…… you get furious, you lookup at the person and just wish that they’d better spontaneously combust or just disappear. But they unfortunately don’t despite your best efforts. Infact, to them, the scrunched up expression you display on the face, looks less menacing and more like you’re trying to stop sudden bout of uncontrollable diarrhea. Haven’t we all come to that situation? So basically, the God Particle explains why certain things have and do not have mass all at the same time. More basically it won't help much.
So the answer to everything that you see in this world lies in this teeny tiny particle, which we don’t really see with our own eyes. Infact, it’ so darn small and so quickly disintegrates, that it’ visible for a millionth of billionth of billionth of a second,that too in the form of a spike in a graph or whatever that machine is called. Yea, so a 3 Billion Euros well spent. That’s counting only the construction cost of the LHC. Yet, without even realizing it, we came so close to scrapping all our science books which taught us the Standard Model. At this point I could explain what the Standard Model is all about, but I just feel like it. Anyways, back to the story. Actually even scrapping the textbooks wouldn’t have been so hard to digest, but if a handful of people had their way, we would today have 3 Billion Euros worth of the state of the art laboratory which wouldn’t do zilch.
You see, scientists study for years to give us advances like computers. Lawyers sue those same scientists on behalf of the people who can’t operate computer, earn ten times as much and in doing so raise horribly relevant questions as to which group is actually smarter.
So back when the LHC was complete, there were couple of small trial experiments that were conducted, which actually involved crashing protons into each other causing all the massive fun sounding micro mini explosions. Armed with proof that LHC was working flawlessly, scientists announced the findings of the little experiments they conducted.At the exact same time, Walter Wagner had a mini explosion in his head. You may remember him as the person, who enjoyed a lot of media attention a few years back, when he sued the Large Hadron Collider.Why? ‘Coz according to him it will bring about the destruction of the world. While Wagner repeatedly claimed that he was scientist, what he failed to mention was, he’s actually a botanist, also known as “Plant Scientist” in the public circle and “Gay Scientist” in the scientific one. So maybe the moment of revelation in his mind would have been like “Bees…. Pollen….. Bees – My God…. the LHC will destroy us.”
Now Wagner may definitely know his way around an Orchid, its important to note, his only experience with Nuclear Science was when he worked at hospital that performed nuclear medicine, which in scientist speak is highschool chemistry class. During the court hearing he failed to provide much evidence to support his claim about the collider. Still he believed he was saving the world, and if that meant getting rich and famous in the process, then he was totally prepared to carry that weight. He was a true hero. Or so he thought, because the judge at the Honolulu court, where he filed his lawsuit, had to actually explain to him that, they didn’t have jurisdiction over Switzerland.
Picture this if you will, the court scene, Wagner going on and on, talking about how the LHC is totally evil and the scientists working for it are its minions who are out to destroy the world…. Once he’s done, lawyer of the non existent defendant takes his place and says “Exhibit 'A' Your Honor, a map of America that does not feature Switzerland. I rest my case.”
Now since the land of Swiss chocolates and sexy watches is not part of America, that ruling did not come as a surprise to anyone. In all fairness, Wagner being a Flower Doctor, you can’t expect him to understand something as complex as Geography, however if you still support him you can donate to his cause, which will mean you just plain hate science and conclude that you’re a dick.