MAN OF STEEL: A REVIEW

Finally got the time to watch Man of Steel a few days back. This was probably one of the most anticipated movies of 2013. A Superhero loved by kids and adults alike. I mean who hasn't tied a cape to their neck and wore an underwear on top of their pants when they were kid. If you didn't, then either your a girl or something is wrong with you. I know I did so I'm safe.

The previous Superman movies with Christopher Reeves have been a treat to watch and it was always gonna be tough to match them. But then this was made by Zack Snyder, who previously made Watchmen, Sucker Punch which were pretty well made. Chirstopher Nolan has written the story, so you know it will be rivetting. So the story starts off well with the present and flashes of the past. The  picturisation is good, the story moves forward at a decent pace and the action is good. Then the second half starts, from here on the story moves at a blinding pace, the action sequences are blurry and a bit difficult to follow because theres so much happening on screen. It was sometimes difficult to keep track of who beating up whom. While your trying to figure that out looking on the left of the screen, 10 building have collapsed on the right.You turn to see the last bits falling, on the other side you miss the fight again. There is so much destruction of property and possibly life too, that I'm sure those who survived wished they were dead.

There is a fine line between having enough action and overdoing it. This went towards overdoing it. One glaring flaw that stuck right in your face was when they tried turning earth into Krypton, all the cars, building and assorted debries experienced severe case of weightlessness and collapse due to increase and decrease of gravity. However, it did not affect the people in anyway. They just went on doing everything normally, which in this situation was running and panicking.

The characters in the movie, Michael Shannon as Gen Zod is a pleasure to watch. Henry Cavill as Spiderman looks good and after Reeves can thankfully play the role of Superman. However, Gen Zod may have lost the fight but Superman got handed his own ass by Gen Zod in the acting department. Rest of the characters lacked substance and were forgettable. Kevin Costner and Russell Crowe were as good as non existent, a waste of good talent. Amy Adams as Lois Lane doesnt work on so many levels. Their relationship seemed forced and too abrupt.

At 2.5hrs its a bit of a stretch, but most of the time went in figuring out what was happening in the second half, specifically who was getting his/her ass kicked. The only saving grace was Gen Zod. All that said, its a movie worth watching because it has a little promise for future installment. Plus it as Nolan-esque touch to it. Heres hoping the next one will be better.
Rating: 2.5/5

MY BRIEF ENCOUNTER WITH THE SEX AND THE CITY DVD

Being a guy, I always hated the series Sex and The City from the bottom of my heart, while my girlfriend (now ex) was obsessed by it. Later the producers turned it into a movie and I knew my days of sanity were numbered. Fortunately or unfortunately both of us parted ways, coincidentally just a few days before the first movie was released. Looking back now, it did save me the torture of accompanying her to watch it, which I would HAVE to.

For those curious ones, the series and the movie had no bearing on the outcome of our relationship.
Last week, I visited my friends place and was going through his movie collection and found a DVD of this movie-which-shall-not-be-named-again. It came as a surprise because he is a guy, but then each to his own I guess. I literally had nothing else to do and also bored out of my wits, I looked at the DVD and thought, why not.

Like preparing ones self for a sacred ritual, I went to his bar cabinet and poured myself a Scotch, lit a cigarette, fired up the DVD in the player and sat on the couch. The movie started and Sarah or whateverhernameis, started her back story of she and her friends and what shit they do. I looked at my glass of Scotch and thought to myself "thats not going to get me through". So I went back to the bar and poured some more Scotch till the glass was full, drank some from the bottle too for good measure and went back to the couch.

After what seemed like eternity, I couldnt stand it anymore. I had to switch it off. I cannot stress on 'couldnt stand it anymore' enough. I realised I had watched it for a whole 5 mins. I wondered how can a 150 year old woman sex life can be of entertainment value to anyone. I sat there for sometime sipping my drink and cursing myself for watching. I felt unclean and violated. So to wash it off my mind, I decided to play another movie from his collection.

PAR(TICKLE) TALES

Did you hear that?? That, Ahhhh…That my friend wasa collective sigh of relief from the physicists, teachers, professors the lot, from all over the world. Yesss…..So finally the Scientists have confirmed the existence of the “God Particle” during their recent experiment at CERN. This discovery was so astonishing, that, I presume they must’ve went “Eureka Eureka”, Archimedes style, before announcing to the world“ Ladies and Gentlemen, WE GOT THE BITCH!!!”
Thus the biggest and the longest manhunt in history has ended, with a whole new chapter that’s going to begin from here. So what, you might think, is the meaning of all this and how will it affect our everyday life? Well, I’m always here to provide answers my friends, so let me put it to you in this way, imagine your doing your work, something that requires high levels of that sweet concentration of yours. “What kind of work? ”Oh, I don’t know, maybe completing some project say or trying to make a nice fat juicy burger appear right on your table or maybe just wishing that the girl/s you justsaw in that magazine appear out of thin air, basically anything that requires lots of concentration. Yeah, so lets say your doing one of the said activities and your working really hard on it, for many many hours, your just about going to achieve it, just then, your nosey brother/ sister/ friend / neighbor interrupts and disturbs your concentration and everything goes “poofffff”…… you get furious, you lookup at the person and just wish that they’d better spontaneously combust or just disappear. But they unfortunately don’t despite your best efforts. Infact, to them, the scrunched up expression you display on the face, looks less menacing and more like you’re trying to stop sudden bout of uncontrollable diarrhea. Haven’t we all come to that situation? So basically, the God Particle explains why certain things have and do not have mass all at the same time. More basically it won't help much.
So the answer to everything that you see in this world lies in this teeny tiny particle, which we don’t really see with our own eyes. Infact, it’ so darn small and so quickly disintegrates, that it’ visible for a millionth of billionth of billionth of a second,that too in the form of a spike in a graph or whatever that machine is called. Yea, so a 3 Billion Euros well spent. That’s counting only the construction cost of the LHC. Yet, without even realizing it, we came so close to scrapping all our science books which taught us the Standard Model. At this point I could explain what the Standard Model is all about, but I just feel like it. Anyways, back to the story. Actually even scrapping the textbooks wouldn’t have been so hard to digest, but if a handful of people had their way, we would today have 3 Billion Euros worth of the state of the art laboratory which wouldn’t do zilch.
You see, scientists study for years to give us advances like computers. Lawyers sue those same scientists on behalf of the people who can’t operate computer, earn ten times as much and in doing so raise horribly relevant questions as to which group is actually smarter.
So back when the LHC was complete, there were couple of small trial experiments that were conducted, which actually involved crashing protons into each other causing all the massive fun sounding micro mini explosions. Armed with proof that LHC was working flawlessly, scientists announced the findings of the little experiments they conducted.At the exact same time, Walter Wagner had a mini explosion in his head. You may remember him as the person, who enjoyed a lot of media attention a few years back, when he sued the Large Hadron Collider.Why? ‘Coz according to him it will bring about the destruction of the world. While Wagner repeatedly claimed that he was scientist, what he failed to mention was, he’s actually a botanist, also known as “Plant Scientist” in the public circle and “Gay Scientist” in the scientific one. So maybe the moment of revelation in his mind would have been like “Bees…. Pollen….. Bees – My God…. the LHC will destroy us.”
Now Wagner may definitely know his way around an Orchid, its important to note, his only experience with Nuclear Science was when he worked at hospital that performed nuclear medicine, which in scientist speak is highschool chemistry class. During the court hearing he failed to provide much evidence to support his claim about the collider. Still he believed he was saving the world, and if that meant getting rich and famous in the process, then he was totally prepared to carry that weight. He was a true hero. Or so he thought, because the judge at the Honolulu court, where he filed his lawsuit, had to actually explain to him that, they didn’t have jurisdiction over Switzerland.
Picture this if you will, the court scene, Wagner going on and on, talking about how the LHC is totally evil and the scientists working for it are its minions who are out to destroy the world…. Once he’s done, lawyer of the non existent defendant takes his place and says “Exhibit 'A' Your Honor, a map of America that does not feature Switzerland. I rest my case.”
Now since the land of Swiss chocolates and sexy watches is not part of America, that ruling did not come as a surprise to anyone. In all fairness, Wagner being a Flower Doctor, you can’t expect him to understand something as complex as Geography, however if you still support him you can donate to his cause, which will mean you just plain hate science and conclude that you’re a dick.

PRANAB MUKHERJEE UNPLUGGED

As the Presidential Elections draws closer and closer, everyone is speculating as to who will be the next to take over the coveted position in Indian politics. Yes, Indian, not American. Every reporter, pro and amateur, all over the country was trying to get an interview with the candidates, to get their views on the current political situation, the future of India and the billions living with in its borders. Needless to say, this was a very important job for the journalists and probably the candidates too. I think. And, since there was a huge beeline of journalists, it was decided that the job would be given to one, whose name came up in the lucky draw. So after much speculation and anticipation, the name was finally revealed to everyone in the country and abroad. ME!!! It was me.
I will be interviewing Pranab Mukherjee. YES!!! Excited to say the least. It was a privilege to given this honour.The interview was going to take place the next day at his office in the Parliament, I had to be prepared. So after spending a loooooong night, which included countless whisky pegs, tequilas and singing in front of everyone like I was the sexiest rock star on the planet, I woke up with a really bad hangover.
“Shit, my head. Never again.” I promised myself. “This is the last time I drink that much.” With my memory still very hazy at best of the previous night, I switched on my laptop from sleep mode, to see an incomplete document called “Questions". Then it hit me. I have the interview at the Parliament. After a brief bout of panic, hurling curses to no one in particular, hastily dressing up, then arguing with the guard for 45 minutes outside the Parliament gates, I reached the office of the future President of India probable. Once I was standing opposite him, I was disappointed, but not shocked, to discover that Mr Mukherjee was extremely tight lipped. No matter how many questioned I asked him, he would not say a word. I asked myself, is this what he called me here for? To stonewall me?
Finally, I was informed by his secretary that Mr Mukherjee was sleeping, and he would appreciate it if I would not try and talk to him during his afternoon siesta. And so I waited. I sat in front of him nursing my headache and hangover of the previous night.
A little while later, after hurling a few choice profanities and asking to left alone, when I came back to my senses, I recognised the voice of Mr Mukherjee yelling in my ears, demanding to know what I was doing sleeping in his office.I explained that I was here for the interview, which surprisingly, did not seem to calm him down. Grudgingly he accepted to give interview.
Heres how it came to pass.
Me: First up, let me say that it is a pleasure to meet you and do this interview for my esteemed colleagues, well wishers and my fans back home, and I hope you feel the same too.
Pranab Mukherjee (PM): …….
Me: Would you like to say a few words…..?
PM: No…
Me: How about two words??
PM: NO!!!
Me:Ok how about only one?
PM: (*deleted referenceto fornication*)
Me: Ok, I just want to say that my employers always shoot for a certain level of maturity when it comes to matters of national security, like interviews,so let us rise above the name-calling and references to coitus….
PM: WHAT!? National Security….?!?
Me: Never mind.
PM: TELL ME!!!..…
Me: I don’t wantto talk about it.
PM: Alright, get on with the bloody interview, I have work to do.
Me: May I have some water?
PM: (*staring silently*)
(*He calls out loudly across the room to get some water*)
Me: But there is a glass right besides you. (*displaying my anger at his laziness*)
PM: That’s my water.
(*A guard comes in, places the glass of water in front of me, and leaves*)
Me: (*drinks water*) May I have some more?
(Still staring at me with disgust, he calls out again and the same guard sets jug of water on the table in front of me. After I finish more than half of the jug, I was still groggy and pissed that I was woken up from my sleep.)
Me: Would you like to have some Coffee?
PM: (*deleted referenceto fornication*)
Me: Nevermind, I don't want it anymore.
PM: ……. do you even have any questions to ask??
Me: Sir, letus get above the constant bickering, especially yours, and talk….
PM: MY WHAT!!!!???
Me:….. something relevant and mature. Anyways, let’s get to some important topics at hand, shall we?
PM: ……. (*staring angrily*)
Me: Tell me, why you?
PM: What??..... Why me what…..
Me: Why you as President?
PM: (*sips some water and calms down at the first sensible question asked in the whole day*)
Me: Why should the people of India choose you as the President of India?
PM: Your question is quiet wrongly framed…
Me: What…. How?
PM: You mean to ask why I want to be Presidentand not why should the people choose me.
Me: What’ the difference….
PM: The people of India don’t choose me directly, they first choose an MP in their…..
Me: Yea yea…. Ok tell me why you want to be President then?
PM: … (*Stares blankly*)
Me: …. Go on.
PM: You see the reason is, I have dedicated my life to serving this country and its people. I am the best man for this job at the…… what are you doing?
Me: Listening to your story…..
PM: By sleeping??
Me: I…. I was ….. I didn’t want any visual distractions of your opulent office…. Yes. I just wanted the sound of your voice in my ears and nothing else.I’m not gay by the way. Enough about me, please continue.
PM: ......So like I was saying, I am the right person to do this job in the best possible way in this current economic and political climate. There are many …….
Me: B – O – R — I— N – G. With all due respect Sir, if the common man like me, had money,which is clear that we don’t, we still wouldn’t buy your bullshit.
PM: WHAT??
Me: Sir, there’ the problem right there.
PM: What the hell do you mean?
Me: All politicians everywhere give the same horse manure about I am this and blah blah blah…. The common man is tired of hearing this. The whole business of politics is become so….. so unfun. We the people have lost all faith and interest and what not else in the bargain.
PM: UNFUN??? Is that a word?
Me: Whatever…. But hear me out. What we need is some spice…. some zing. Something that will get the interest of people back into politics.
PM: So what are you say?
Me: Glad you asked…. I always these brilliantly wonderful ideas in my head. You never know when you might need them. You know.So, what is the national game of India?
PM: What?? What does the national game have to do with this? You’re just talking bullshit.
Me: Cricket….is it? Well, thats a wrong sport….
PM:HOCKEY!!!
Me: ..….it’s still the wrong sport. You know what should be our national sport. WRESTLING in...wait for it.....wait for it....... IN MUD.
PM: You’re joking right? What’ that got to do with politics
Me: Noooo, hear me out. I have the most brilliantest, wackiest, brainiest brain you can find. We need to develop a new method of choosing our leaders.We need to think outside the bloody freakin box.
PM: Are you suggesting politicians go wrestling?
Me: Yes and No. Lets face it nobody wants to see fat, ugly, bold or partially bold old men wrestling. No offence to you Sir. What I’m trying to say is we need women as leaders. Beautiful women.
PM: This is MADNESS!!!! Why am I even talking to you?
Me: Actually Sir, there is method to my madness. See people are tired and bored with old, bald, wrinkly men with no sense of dressing what so ever. Again no offense to you. We need beautiful women to lead us. This will ensure people will drool and follow their every word like love struck puppies. Women like Katrina, Deepika, etc. Strictly only the ones that are sexy.
PM: And your suggesting they wrestle?
Me: Now we are talking English? You see, the people get to choose their favorite lady, they feel best, who can represent them. After the peoples nomination process is complete, we just have to follow the IPL format. Each one gets four matches with each other, after that there is a knockout stage, later the quarterfinals, semifinals and at last the finals. The one that wins becomes the President, the runners up gets the PM’s position and so on and so forth. Its that simple. The TV ratings for this will skyrocket like never before, the format can go on for as long as 2 months, like the current IPL and you can bet your wrinkly arse the people will be glued to the television like flies or something. This will also have costsaving benefits.Ask me how. Go on, I won't mind.
PM: Shut up!!!
Me: Glad you asked…. You see….
PM: I DON’T WANT TO KNOW!!!!
Me: ….. here “Sexy” Politicians don’t have to go on campaigning. The people will choose them, thus ensuring huge money saving benefits. This will also help the people to have more money, which in-turn will help people spend more. These ladies can even endorse products. I can bet you all of Lalu Prasad’s cows that people will lap up the products left, right and center.This will increase production of our factories, there by bettering the economic situation. You cant go wrong on this one.
PM: Would you careto leave by yourself or would you like to be escorted?
Me: Wait, I have more, here’s what we do for….
PM: (*deleted referenceto fornication*) GUARDS!!!!
Me: …… foreign policy. We can send these “Sexy” Politicians to…..
PM: (*deleted referenceto fornication*)
Me:I haven’t finished you…. (*deleted reference to fornication*)
PM: (*deleted Hindi reference to fornication with relatives*)
Me: (*deleted references of Konkani profanities*)
PM: (*deleted references of Bengali profanities*)
Me: (*deleted references of Marathi profanities*)
(*Guards enter to escort me outside*)
Me:Thank you for your time, Sir that was a good interview.
PM: (*deleted reference to fornication*)
So that ended my brief interview with Mr Mukherjee. Needless to say, it did work out well. On to my next target.